The Evolving Metal Birds

imageI spend hours upon hours in 2014 dashing into airports that feel similar to what I imagine an over populated experimental rodent maze would be like. In previous blogs I’ve complained about airports and how people seem to check their rarely frequented intelligence at the door, although today that is not the rant. Actually to compliment TSA and the ever improving functionality of the heard flow of airports, they’re on the right track! Now these large metal birds in the sky…I have a bone to pick with them.
It amazes me with an undertone of sickness exactly what we are choosing to up sell people on in our current time. Just because most places on this little planet are hitting an economic low or never bounced back from the originals in the 20th century doesn’t give companies the right to these laughable hidden fees. Shockingly enough they haven’t began charging us for our traditional complimentary drinks, just alcohol, although I see a trend here that will probably have soda being charged for before the year 2020 (my guess is that as airplane seats become smaller and smaller they will take out sugary beverages to ever so slightly guarantee that the obese but fortunate population can still sit in these uncomfortable seats).
I’m currently sitting in the economy section of a brand new plane from JFK to LAX. Per usual I am vastly uncomfortable in my seat and there are at least half a dozen babies screaming and crying as their infant eardrums take on the uncomfortable and foreign torment of the altitude. I continue to think to myself, “if I were a flight attendant I would does apple juice with Benadryl for those poor parents and the passengers surrounding them,” but alas I’ll never have children or said occupation and I’m very certain that falls under the line of child abuse. Flight attendants have about as much service use as a lifeguard without water. Yes, they are trained in safety and able to assist in saving the lives of many on the plane. I deeply appreciate them for that. Although every single flight I have ever taken, 90% of these safety personnel in skirts have been nothing but rude and passive aggressive to me on flights when I simply ask for tea to wash down my own Benadryl to keep from burning a hole in my wallet or jump out of the emergency exit. I would think that in such a stressful situation it would be employee protocol to be so chipper one would wonder if you’re heavily medicated on Prozac. I don’t believe someone who is rude to me again and again has the ability to open a door her same size and shoot out that inflatable slide (secretly I really want to ride that evacuation slide one day).
image2To distract myself I search through the movies and music as I usually do to find someone to drown out the confused babies who’s craniums feel on the brink of explosion. To my dismay not only are all top movies 8$ each, but so are movies that are 5+ years past their release. I decide to look at the bad TV… What the hell?! 6$ television?! Fuck that noise, I haven’t paid for cable since I became an independent adult. I refuse to pay for it for my 5.5 hour duration. Oh and if you forgot your headphones, you RENT noise canceling ones for 5$ and return them at the end of the flight. First of all unsanitary and what a passive aggressive rape. Food of course hasn’t been free for quite some time so burn some calories by tapping a foot in hangry frustration during the flight! Lastly… Don’t even get me started on this paying for public wifi bullshit. It amazes me that there is a charge for something that cannot be seen, held, or if wasn’t for an electronic device, one would never know it exists.
As flights get more and more packed I find myself making eye contact with my large male neighbors who kick my seat as they squirm uncomfortably. I feel for them and I’m sorry to men who have no room for their balls to air out during these flights. As happens twice during the flight I’m coming to an end where I have to turn off my electronic device because it’s electromagnetic field which is about as strong as my own is absolutely not going to effect the radio system but I must do as I’m told before the mean brunette attendant ignores my drink request putting me in her own version of time out.
Happy Travels!
By | 2016-10-15T07:23:02+00:00 September 16th, 2014|Categories: blog|Tags: , , , , , |1 Comment
  • aurvandil207

    I laughed so hard while reading this blog-post and watched the pics to it :D (you have goofy humour Ash… ehrm.. says the guy who very often laughs at his own bad jokes)

    While I was reading it I came to think of this really old commercial (and the fact that here in Sweden almost everything is free on the airplanes – yea, believe it or not!!):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yulxnzAsWEM