Listen, we all know….bitches be crazy. In the words of Kat Williams, “I only call you bitches because I don’t know your names individually.” Truly my beautiful women, I mean no offense by this blog, although I’m noticing some trends. I’ve explained in many interviews before that I LOVE women, but have a hard time being in long term relationships with them due to my lack of outward emotion and ability to cuddle. I’m very much a man at heart and a controlled chaos. Enough about me though, here are some signs that your girl is absolutely bananas…
A grrls crazy can be measured by…
1. The amount of makeup she wears on the daily — if your woman looks like she’s attending RuPaul’s drag show 24/7 after months of dating… Girl is insecure and crazy. Try telling her she’s beautiful more often and she doesn’t need all that to be around you.
2. The amount of decorative pillows on her bed — If your girl has more than a couple pillows on her bed by one or two, you’re still okay. If it takes you 30 minutes just to clear the bed of all the fufu shit on it…run!
3. The amount of animals she’s collected — If your girl had 3 or more animals, she might be crazy. This level of insane is only accentuated by the number of animals in direct correlation to the size (i.e. 6 toy animals, each under 5 pounds with designer names…RUN!!)
4. Sex drive is direct correlation to sanity — Now, I already stated I’m crazy, so let’s not make fun of me on this…But if your girl is ALWAYS horny, I’m sure you’re already having trouble keeping up and that means you’re about to be in trouble. If you love her do yourself a favor and go on a date to Pleasure Chest or your nearest adult toy store.
5. She’s fake bi-sexual — Dont worry gentleman…As a truly bisexual girl (mostly lesbian) I understand your frustration. These are the girls that only like girls when they’ve had a couple glasses of champagne and want to make out with girls for male attention, but when it really comes down to action they’re complete cock (and pussy!) teases. Fuck that, run!!
6. She hates smoking weed and still thinks Skrillex is amazing — Sonny, sorry for this one…Girls who don’t smoke and have never smoked are usually a little off to me. A girl can have all symptoms above except #5 and smoke weed, and be chill. It’s the natural buffer. Stoners are one of the boys…but the Skrillex phase is long gone. Get a girl that knows good music!
7. Her bathroom and apartment are always a disaster and she rents a room — If your girl is over the age of 25 and in this situation, she doesn’t have her shit together. Granted, the dirtier a girl in bed, the dirtier her surrounding usually are… But, if you’re looking for more than sex, find someone who has their own place and maid.
8. She talks to you in baby voices and texts you every couple minutes — Remember this equation: her text : your reply = level of crazy. That’s right…. If she’s sent you 6 things to your one and you suddenly feel interrogated… Probably time to move on.
9. You met on Tinder — for men and women alike… Just avoid this. Tinder is vapid and shallow and so will be this single serving relationship.
10. Everything she owns is pink, and all her walls are pink — I call this pink princess syndrome. Any girl who still surrounds herself with hello kitty, and pink, wants to look like a little girl but act like a queen bitch (emphasis on bitch). Unless you’re submissive and need you man card taken away, I suggest you avoid this route.
Ashaholics! Add more so we can post a 10 levels of crazy Asaholics version! (Leave them in the comments below and I’ll post them to the blog!)
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