So I’ve been asking a lot of grrls this question and I’ve put a lot of thought into this, but what would I do if I woke up with a penis for a day? In this theoretical question for some reason I’m aware that I only have this penis instead of a vagina for only 24 hours. This is a step by step list of what I believe would happen.

1. Freak out – Any normal girl would freak out if she woke up with a pitched tent.

2. Try to suck my own dick – Come on, every single guy has tried.

3. Jerk off – I’m assuming that I failed at sucking my own cock and its not going to cum on its own.

4. Try to pee with a boner – I’m firm believe its easier than all men make it out to be.

5. Helicopter – It makes me laugh when men do it, now I’m self entertained.

6. Manscape – I need my new Gennies to look good!

7. Call up all my girlfriends – I wouldn’t be able to keep this secret. Booty call time.

8. Webcam – Of course I’m going to make money with this thing!

9. See how far I can stand away from the toilet while peeing – I’ll need a pee break in between my pop shots.

10. Try to catch my own cum on camera – It might take some practice and great hydration but it would be my sole trick for the day while banging my grrls.

11. Find any and all male talent that has cum in my eye and cum back in their eyes – James Deen I’m coming after you.

12. Measure it – I’m saving this for last because size would be the last thing on my mind….I think hehe.

I have a feeling a lot of men reading this will first of all be disgusted, and then skeptical. its okay, call me out on my shit. Tell me I don’t have the ability to do some of this stuff. I probably won’t listen cuz I bet my dick will reflect my ego since I’ve been compensating for not having one this entire time so it will be HUGE and I won’t listen to anything you say. Just call me Kickstand Hollywood.  (:

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  • Sorry but size is the first thing. You should ask women if they’d woke up to a small penis. The reaction would be different.

    • I’m only assuming my penis size matches my large ego ;)

  • Pete

    Re #4: peeing with a boner is easy — provided you don’t mind peeing up the wall behind your toilet. The problem is in trying to direct an upward-pointing appendage in the right direction to get the stream in the bowl! :-)

  • This is fucking hilarious. Funny shit. I’m going to ask my woman when she gets home. Big fan love your tweets and blogs #Vodka Time

    • Thanks! and you know me, always a fan of #vodkatime

  • You also seem to be assuming you’re going to have some porn stud penile stamina here, which is cool. But yeah, by the time you hit 11 you’re going to be running a little dry. Might want to move that one up. You want to get them with a good load.

    Also, don’t forget to buy lots of lube for these plans. You don’t want to chafe. That sucks (in the bad way). And playing through the pain … take it from someone who has … it’s not really worth it.

    Time to get someone to make you a realistic prosthetic dick. I want to see “Ash Wakes Up with a Cock: The Movie.”