My Personal Hells

ah_hellsWe’ve all heard the term, “this is my personal hell.” Hell is something we all envision differently. Some think hell is a fiery pit where your soul is tortured by a hell bound demon while satan anally rapes them. Although, I think differently. I don’t think theres a pit and a horned man with a narcissistic and sadistic complex that rules the underworld. I think Hell is made up of real life things that make us personally uncomfortable and it is catered individually to our fears and discomforts. If I were to be correct, and to be sent to Hell (who are we all kidding I have a VIP pass to the front of the line), I would “wake up” every day in Hell believing I was still alive and well in the real world until it hits me….FUCK this is my own personal Hell. Here’s some examples of what I envision my Hells to be.

1. Stuck in rush hour traffic in the LAX loop, unable to escape, with Rihanna’s “Cake” on repeat on my car stereo. In frustration I bash in the stereo until the song stops….and then it comes on the loud speaker of the LAX terminals…for eternity.

2. Walking through a long corridor with fresh clean carpets and fresh clean socks, but then I take a step forward and realize the carpet and now my socks are wet. I take them off, and continue walking, but socks reappear on my feet every time and with every step the carpet gets progressively more damp and so do my reappearing socks along the never ending corridor.

3. Everywhere I go and everywhere I look people are dressed as ice cream men and all of their cars are ice cream trucks and that stupid jingle is playing from every car…and no one carries ice cream.

4. Every ten minutes I have to go to the bathroom, and luckily there is always a toilet near, but there’s always a line of ten girls with long hair whipping it into my face and every bathroom lacks toilet paper and only has odds and ends of toiletries to use such as toilet seat covers and no soap.

5. Desiring a specific item from my wardrobe thats black, but every time I go into my closet all the clothes are strewn about the floor and as I dig for the item the pile gets deeper and deeper and I still cannot find what I’m looking for and the more I look the more the mess grows.

6. Eternally stuck in a room full of lesser intelligent narcissist listening to them talk about themselves, who they know, and who they blow. I don’t think this needs anymore explaining.

7. Being reborn as a teen girl’s iPhone. Dropped, kicked, run over, cracked and abused until I’m dropped in the toilet….Only to be reborn as a porn girl’s iPhone thats lubricated and jammed up her anus until I die again.

8. My iPhone has 2% battery and I’m in the middle of (what I feel) is a very important conversation (who’s kidding I’m probably tweeting) and my phone dies. After frantically looking for a charger my phone magically comes back…on 2% battery and soon dies again. Did you know every time your iPhone does so does a piece of your heart?

9. Partying in a nightclub, the music is great, the men are GORGEOUS, I look around the room….I’m the only girl? No worries, more for me….Jokes on me….they’re all gay and hate vaginas.

10. I have a new job, and at first I’m really excited. I get my own car, my own uniform…even a walkie. This is great! I’m PARKING ENFORCEMENT!

I’m sure I can think of a million more of my own personal Hells, but I’m really curious… what are yours?

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