There is a survival tactic here in Los Angeles. I am proud to say I have survived my first year on the streets and highways of this city. In my trials and tribulations I have observed the herd and have come to know the ways of LA driving. First, you must know the types of members in the herd:
-Pig Bait: Speeding cars, often tailed by me, working as bait for the upcoming CHP.
-Ticket Tailers: Any and all cars following the Bait.
-Hoverers: Cars that ride in inappropriately slow in the left hand lanes “hovering” in the faster lanes.
-Luxury Douches: Imported cars that pay absolutely no attention to traffic laws due to their douchery.
-Tractor Trailers: Semi trucks, moving trucks, big rigs (…you get the point)
-Dot Followers: Drivers obviously looking at their GPS and not the road
Okay so now that you’ve met everyone we can move on. Now you must know the basic rules of survival. First we’ll start with the ways of the city streets.
-KEEP A KEEN EYE ON DRIVERS AROUND YOU. So few use blinkers in LA that it is a welcoming shock when someone actually does. Also this is your only warning: LA drivers brake often, without warning (I repeat, this is your ONLY warning).
-BE ALERT DURING TURNS. Everyone in la needs to take a basic lesson in racing: Brake before the turn, and accelerate through….not begin braking and brake all the way through the damn thing. You have an SUV, and I PROMISE you ain’t gonna roll the bitch.
-HIGH CAUTION DURING LEFT HAND TURNS. First of all, turning left is impossible in LA. It’s the worst idea since genocide. Second of all in LA green means wait, yellow means speed the fuck up, and red means block the intersection.
-AVOID RIGHT HAND LANES. This is the red zone for the ones in the herd that do not know how to turn properly. You will get places faster by avoiding this lane. Also, pedo’s (pedestrians) are slow and insane, thus adding additional time for the idiots to take during their long turning process.
-AVOID MAIN ROADS. High traffic common roads such as Santa Monica Boulevard, Hollywood Boulevard, Ventura, or Sepulveda are main routes for the rest of the herd (Moo!) so avoid them between the hours of 3pm to eternity, or whenever possible.
Great, now you may survive surface streets. That , of course, is not enough. Now you must learn the ways of the highways. Remember all of the members I introduced to you earlier? This is where they come into play.
-When coming onto an onramp, LOOK TO YOUR LEFT and see if there are any cars you may merge into to enter the freeway.
-If you have a far distance to travel, stay out of the first two lanes. Merge left until you find a lane at your speed and comfort level. The first two lanes often end in exit onlys and horrendously slow trucks/drivers. Don’t even get my started on the traffic moving ONTO the freeway. Grr…
-Pay attention to the highway signs. If the freeway is about to split into another freeway (101 to the 405) be prepared for chaos. No one in LA understands the concept of merging. I blame this on lack of common sense and use of blinkers. Some are Dot Followers
-Become familiar with the areas where lanes end and the freeway “funnels” into fewer lanes. The Funnel System eludes and confuses LA drivers. Avoid these areas where possible.
-Know your hours of rush hour traffic. The usual pattern begins at 7am until 10:30am. Next there is lunch hour traffic around 11:30am until about 1pm. Finally the biggest mother fucker of them all is 3pm until 7:30pm, when everyone is returning home from work. Avoid highways at this time.
-Give yourself 1hr to get anywhere more than 15 miles in LA (you think I’m joking…)
-Keep an eye out for hoverers. They lag your lane and can be in ANY one of them. Pass with caution, as motorcyclist may be near.
-Use extreme caution near a Luxury Douche. If you spot a Mercedes, BMW, Lexus symbol, just know that this driver has GREAT car insurance and doesn’t give a FUCK. Suing you is like reality TV for them. They will merge without looking, without a blinker, and brake on a dime. Hit one, I dare you.
-When in a hurry, utilize Pig Bait (I apologize for the term, I didn’t make it). Avoid as much as you can becoming the Bait.
-Large vehicles such as the Tractor Trailers or texting drivers will “float”. By this I mean OBLIVOUSLY drift into your lane. Yes they pay taxes for both lanes blah blah blah…but avoid being next to them
Alright so that is somewhat my system and observation for the asinine ways of the asphalt. I myself the worst case of road rage I have ever seen for someone my size. So I leave you with these thoughts…When screaming “MOVE YOU LICE INFESTED CUM BUBBLE,” are your windows closed? Oops. When parked on the 405 do you think “MOO, BAHHHH, MOOOOO?” I do. When sitting in the automatic car wash with rainbow colored foam collecting on your windshield do you think “clown bukkake?” Oh…I’m the only one.